The RED Engineer was excited. Caroline would be coming over soon and everything had to be perfect for her arrival. He had just gotten some new toys in that he wanted to show her. As a mechanic, she shared his appreciation for a good wrench and he just knew that the tools he’d ordered would make her as excited as they made him. As he put the final touches on his arrangements, he looked around his workshop. Satisfied that everything was ready, he clapped his hands together in a business-like manner and smiled. Putting on his goggles and his good hardhat, he grabbed the keys to his truck and went to go and fetch the lady fair.

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I can’t believe it! Daddy went out and bought me a diary for my birthday! I always wanted a diary, ever since I saw Katie Peters get one. Okay, now for something to put in here. Oh! I know. Today, this boy in Mr. Cummings class was teasing me. His name’s Percy. What an awful name. Percy. If I was percy, I would just go and die. Percy. He’s so gross. Stupid pimple faced jerk. I hope he gets hit by a school bus.

Diary,

It’s so weird. A couple of days ago, I wanted to hit Percy with a brick. Now I wanna kiss him. What’s that about? The only think different about him is that his acne cleared up. And he carried my books home. And he kissed me on the cheek… But that’s it. Why are boys so weird?

Do you ever wish you could just step out of your life? I mean, just leave it all behind. One day, just wake up in the morning, walk out your front door, lock it behind you and never go back. Some days, I feel like, if there was a clock I could punch and just walk away, I would. Pick up my last pay stub and just say good bye. I don’t know where I’d wind up, and I don’t care. I just know, I wouldn’t be here anymore. I wouldn’t be me anymore. I could be someone else, anyone else, just so long as it wasn’t me.

Do you ever feel like that? I’d go somewhere where no one knows my name, somewhere I could reinvent myself. I’d be completely different from who I am now. No one would know who I was, no one would remember my old mistakes or my secrets or my embarrassments. I could be suave, sophisticated, confident, all the things that I’m not. No one would have to know it’s just a mask, just a kid playing make-believe, trying to forget the failure that they had been before.

I’d step out of my life and walk away. I’d get away from all the people I had known, all the folks who remember my failings and insecurities. I’d leave the old home, the old job, the old school, the old enemies, the old name, the old clothes… I could leave everything behind, but I can’t leave myself. No matter where I go, or who I pretend to be, at the end of the day I’d look in the mirror and see past the lie. The same loner, the same failure, the same loser. I could leave everything behind… but me.

It’s so hard being alone
Surrounded by people, and yet alone
An alien among a strange race
An outsider looking in
Watching people laughing, living, loving
Watching it all, alone
No one to talk to
No one who understands how it feels
Listening to everyone speaking this strange language
No way to decode the things they say
Can not understand the hugs
The smiles and sunshine
The rainbows that follow them everywhere
While you’re camped in darkness
While you’re showered by cold rain and misery
Isolation, surrounded by an invisible, intangible wall
No one can see it or feel it, but they sense it
It keeps them and their sunlight out
Trapped inside this darkness
Removed from joy and hope and peace
So hard to be alone, lonely and isolated
And alone

Face dead with repressed sadness and anger
So much passion it cannot escape, so he seethes
Tension in his wiry muscles, clenched jaw
Blue eyes like ice, cold as wrath itself
So small, so powerful, so helpless
The brutal honesty of a man who sees the world unmasked
Bleak, cruel, vengeful
Indifferent to the insects that crawl across her face
He perches quietly above the city, watching it fester
The pestilence of corruption
Politics, prostitution, murder
The blood congeals in the gutters
No one sees the putrescent scabs but him
The rotting away of the city
There is no cure, no solution
There is only the struggle for one more day
Grasping at the promise of tomorrow
Trying to survive today

Let’s be together forever…
When I grow up
I’m still a kid
20 and still growing
I’m not old enough to be with you
I’m just barely out of diapers
Not yet weaned from my security blankets and teddy bears
I’m just a kid
30 and still growing
I don’t need thoughts of marriage
A house, a minivan, 2.3 kids
A dog, a picket fence
I’m not ready for life
I’m just 40 and still growing
Maybe tomorrow I’ll be ready
Maybe when I’m 50, I’ll be old enough
Maybe when I’m 60, I’ll have my life together
Maybe when I’m 70, I can take care of myself
Maybe when I’m 80, I’ll be prepared
After all, I’m only 90 
My whole life ahead of me
I’m almost ready
By the time I’m 100, I’ll be ready for life and you
Maybe then I can be a husband, wife, father, mother, friend
I’m almost ready
Maybe tomorrow

You know how it is
I’m moving my hands, making signs, conversation
But I’m not really saying anything
No profound speeches
No suggestions on how to save the world
No real thoughts on the meaning of life as we know it
Just signing
I’m just yakking away in a whole new language
Boring to tears a new audience of, forgive me, listeners
Talking their eyes out of their heads and for what?
Just signing, saying nothing
I could be trying to change the world
I should be writing and sharing poetry
I should be using to full advantage the grace of the hands of this language
But I’m just signing, talking, saying nothing
No meaning, no message
Just a joke, a laugh, a boring story
Just signing
But maybe that’s okay
To chatter away with friends
Hands moving nonstop as I say nothing
Just to see a bewildered smile on a world weary face
To give a laugh to a tired person trying to survive in a hearing world
Fighting to be understood by those who won’t take time to watch
To listen
Read my hands
I’m just signing, saying nothing
But at least, I’m watching as I stand to the side
Trying to understand, trying to see
Trying to sign, but saying nothing

Amber lights sparkling through beer bottles
Wine drifts through the air into the nose
The ghosts of old friends drinking
A man dressed as a motley poodle
A woman in a fox costume and noisy masqueraders
Not alone here, oh no, never alone

The hedge lion moves closer to the door
The bunny crouches, ready to hop away
The thing lurking in the tunnel is reaching out
The partygoers in the elevator are rowdy and happy
“Another drink, Mr. Torrance?” Lloyd asks
The drinks are pretty good here

The barkeep is quiet and thoughtful
Windows look out, eyes in the night
Hotel constricting around the guests
Overlook, overlooking the slopes
The snow drifts pile up as the wind howls
The drinks cart comes by for the fifth time

Grady my man, another Martian
Yes, Mr. Torrance, have two or three more
Grady, my man, you’re the best
Thank you, sir, you’re too kind
And the walls draw closer as the wind howls
The hotel devours its guests and the Overlook takes over

You may check in, but you will not check out

The way we were
The way we are
The way we will be
Does anyone ever really change?

For all the great strides we make
Why does it feel like we are going backwards?
Racism, discrimination, inequality, prejudice
Poor and uneducated being rewarded for ignorance
Educated struggling for acceptance
Misconceptions, presumptions, based on clothes, color, background
Racial slurs, taunts, bullying based on differences
Hated for being different, criticized for being the same
Take initiative but take care not to succeed
Be your own person just as long as you’re the same as everyone else

The way we were
The way we are
The way we will be
Does anyone ever really change?

Mankind gets lazier
Bigger, better, faster
Wanting the quickest, easiest way to get somewhere, not valuing the journey
Strong bodies, strong minds, pick one, not both
The skinnier, the prettier
Long hair, short hair, tall, short, light skin, dark skin
People striving to fit the ideal
If you’re not perfect, you’re not beautiful

The way we were
The way we are
The way we will be
Does anything ever really change?

Sex is everything
Drugs make you cool
Smoking makes you sexy
Drinking makes you popular
The ideal changes with time, human nature doesn’t
Fear what you don’t understand, hate what you fear
Ridicule and destroy what is different
If the culture is different, you are inferior and must be changed
Waste what you can’t use

The way we were
The way we are
The way we will be
Someone please tell me
Does anything ever REALLY change?

If my grandmother’s God was real
I wonder
Would Heaven be the days we spent together?
A hug from her strong arms
A long walk through the streets of Center City
A movie together where she falls asleep and wakes up at the end
Watching the credits as though they were the show itself
A trip to the museum, holding hands under the T-Rex skeleton, dwarfed by its shadow like children
Would she be waiting at the Pearly Gates, arms wide open, proudly smiling?
Or would she be watching with shame at a wasted life?
If Grandma’s God was real
Why would he take her from me when I needed her most?
Tearing our family apart
Tearing my heart asunder
Cruel God, to take her and let murderers and evil men live
To take someone who respected and protected life in a monster’s stead
My Grandma lives in me, they say
If so, if someone with so big a heart lives inside of me
Why do I feel so empty and ashamed?
Why do I feel so alone?
Where is Grandma’s God now?